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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Loss of him

From the depths of my soul
Come hunger for more love
And thirst for more healing.
For so long I have ached
From a loneliness wound
Though loving friends
And abundant family surround.

In the light of day
In the black of night
I work on dealing.
For so long this wound
Held prisoner my focus
Though the ache not acute
Nothing else could be found.

Feared alone in my pain
Life seemed to be my sentence
For crimes I'd forgotten or never done.
This drink of depression
Though not my own vice
Was the weapon
Rage used to bring innocense down.

As I've grown quite aware,
A tension leaves the air
When I realize I'm not alone anymore.
For the wrath was brought down
Making no waves for himself
Because help made no sound.
So I gather my memories up for now.

As loss takes it's toll
Away all the years go
When I vow to keep only the good.
These memories somehow
Seem to hold more value now
Than they did when they were new
This great pretender leaves without a bow.

I may have his blood
And he may have my love
But his memory still haunts me today.
I will always be grateful
For the good thoughts of him
That shine through the bad
To make peace they are all I can allow.

- I love u, Dad. Thank you for helping make me who I am today. For the good, bad and the ugly all have played a part in my journey. Gone but not forgotten. After 13 years I still feel sorrow and anger that you are gone, but I love you - faults and all- and you have impacted my direction in life more than anyone else in my world. You are still missed. Thought of you all day today. Something tells me that you are out there, which means that my faith is being renewed in forgiveness, healing and grace. I am listening.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Time of Different

Passing through space
All voices are silent
No see-ers can see tomorrow

Echoes of moments past
Lurk looking for meaning
Only time will tell happy from sorrow

As the new day approaches
The dawn of change shows
From the passion of revolution
No one can borrow

With a high flying conscience
And a low spilling pride
The birth of different
Could happen tomorrow.

Time with you

As I lay here alone in the dark
I'm reminded of how we've come so far
Talking, expressing,
Refraining from repressing.
I wonder how far
Does love stretch or expand,
I'd gladly cross oceans
Just to hold your hand.
As time is a theme
I cannot grasp and hold,
I know that as it passes
Our story unfolds.
Though without knowing
Minutes or hours or days,
I fight the swift current
To follow your way.
And if I am swept away
In the search for my quest,
I hope you remember that
By knowing you I have been blessed.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Yay! Video!

This is so great! I figured out an easy way to do video so I should be able to post one this weekend. Yay! Check back soon.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Learning to Climb- Step 1

Thinking about life as it's lived day by day and not about the entire journey is very difficult for me. I'm a planner, as much as I try to fight it, and I do some preparations for day to day. But I am generally a "big picture" kind of person, but I'm trying to focus on taking "One Step at a Time" (thank you, Jordin Sparks) and remember that's "It's all about the climb". (Ok, so even a 32 year old can find inspiration in the songs of Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus and Jordin Sparks).

I wrote this to help me remember to appreciate each step.

Looking up at the mountain before me
I take a deep breath, drawing my foot up.
Looking for a hold to grasp tightly,
My sole searches for a place to stand.
My soul searches for a place to rest.
Seeking desperately that next stronghold place
I find it and propel myself off, up to and grab.
While it seemed diliberate,
I felt the rush of a risk taken
And achievement earned.
With little to gain at one time,
And much to lose in an instant-
I search for my next burst.
When it comes-
I feel the rush of risk taken.
I am surprised to find I have survived again,
But wonder-
How can I stop now?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Quote of the day

Real life has no casting calls, but there is no shortage of characters. - klh

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Coming to you live from my iPhone. Gosh I love that phone. I'll be working on my blog and expect to make my first post in a long time by Saturday. This is a test. This is soooo cool. Thanks for reading. Come back soon!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Learning to Bend, without breaking!

With the economy causing so much stress for everyone right now, it's hard to relax and achieve that easy-going, go-with-the-flow attitude and optimistic mood that is the nature of a lot of people when things are going well. It's common for people to have bend a little bit to deal with stress, but it's not fair for so many people to come so close to the edge of breaking before their stress can be relieved.
Sometimes when bad things happen to good people, we wonder why, we think it's not fair and we question the system. Sometimes it seems that the system works for no one but the system itself.
Sometimes feeling like we have given and given and given so much without taking back our fair share puts a huge strain on our ability to trust that the give and take of life that creates balance is still there and it leaves us questioning whether it is still a concept that applies to all.

Now, please let me make note: I can't complain... I have a job, a place to sleep, a car to drive, and some money in my pocket. I am very thankful for what I have and where I am, but I too am hoping for better in the future.

Having said all that: I am finding myself in the perpetual state of planning for better- when it doesn't seem to be up to me as to when that "better" might begin. I don't know what timeline my "better" is following, and as of yet, I don't even really know how to locate where my "better" might be found. I'm wondering if anyone else is feeling this way right now?

I realize this may not make sense to everyone, but that's ok. I just felt the need to put it out there and if you have felt or are feeling something similar to these, please leave me a comment.
Perhaps group counseling is in my near future.... any thoughts?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

New Beginnings

The last six months have seen many changes in my life. Now, I want a new look, a new feel, and a new presence on the blog-front. I will be making changes to this blog this week and by Tuesday hope to make a new post that will begin the commitment of weekly posts to this blog (because daily seems too daunting a challenge for me presently).

If you have been checking in for a while and have been disappointed at the lack of posts, I hope you will be excited for the upcoming changes and will return to read here weekly.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Until Tuesday......
Hope. Peace. Change.

Don't forget to watch history in the making on Inauguration Day- Jan. 20, 2009.

My Favorite Music